Precious Dreams
by ActionAimz
Summary: Courtney deals with her loss, the only way she knows how.


Precious Dreams  
  
Summary: A Short Story. Courtney deals with her loss, the only way she knows how. Rated: PG Reviews: I would love them. : )  
  
Courtney sees her in her dreams -- the beautiful life created out of love, the life Jason never knew existed until it was too late. She can hardly dream without seeing her. She can never enjoy the rolling of an ocean or rocking of waves without feeling life slip away from her and swallowed up by the sea. She can never hear or utter the words South America without tasting bitter salt on her lips. She can never forgive herself.  
  
"It's suicide," he said. And she felt dead.  
  
*She left me too. Now it's Jason's turn. It's better now than later. I can handle it now.*  
  
She winces as she dips her toe into the steamy bath. The water is hot, scalding, and she needs it as hot as she can take it. She never wants to feel cold water again, choking her, slicing through her, making her arms feel like frozen lead. Stealing precious life away.  
  
She slips off her robe and skims her palm across the surface of the water, watching eucalyptus salts leave streaks of green like mini flare guns as they dissolve and hit the bottom of the tub. She gets in and tries to adjust to the temperature, rubbing her thighs as the water burns and nips at her flesh. But even the hottest water can't thaw the ice in the pit of her stomach.  
  
She closes her eyes and sees her once again. Even through the menthol aroma of eucalyptus, she can smell her newborn scent and feel her soft skin against her breast. She is a tiny warm glow that emerges vivid and whole with her father's smile and identical eyes. They take naps together, play in the park and plan trips to places like Barcelona. She secures her in a blanket of pink and protects her from an icy grip that threatens to pull them down into the depths of the frigid sea. The shore seems unreachable and the yacht is a speck in the horizon. She is caught in a riptide, tearing at her heart as Jason drifts further away. She reaches for life and grabs death.  
  
She opens her eyes to nothingness and realizes just what she has done, what her decisions cost her, and she wishes Jason would realize it too. Or just admit it.  
  
*If you love someone set them free.*  
  
He wants to get married now. Right away. Tempting, yes, but it won't solve a damn thing. Three years from now, five years from now Jason will wake up and realize what he gave up. Every time he hears the laughter of a child he will know and think about the potty training, the bedtime stories, hearing the word Daddy for the first time. He will know, he will regret.  
  
*Better for him to accept now what I can't give him.*  
  
She takes another purple pill and feels herself slip deeper into nothing. A disturbing numbness. To feel nothing is good.  
  
She pushes, but he won't budge. He walks away, but he always comes back. He won't get angry because he loves her.  
  
He loves her so much and she needs him. A love that he thinks is selfish is more than anyone ever gave her. He whispers love for her as he carries her to the bed. The satin slips from her body, replaced by his warm embrace. The feel of his skin against hers is the only thing that makes the ice cold shiver disappear from her bones. The fire of his love flows through her, healing her and soothing her soul. Her whole being is filled with forgiveness. She doesn't deserve this much pleasure. It was only meant for dreams. But after she found it, she never wanted to lose it. Unconditional love, the stuff of fairytales. She is sorry she almost threw it all away.  
  
*What we have is greater than what we've lost. Not everyone has this.*  
  
It's rare. It's precious.  
  
His lips absorb her tears. A sob turns into a whimper and she hears the voice of an angel -- Jason declaring his love. She floats then lets herself drown in him. He breathes life into her and she gives into a feeling that is better than numbness.  
  
Hope returns. She refuses to stop dreaming. 


End file.
